I didn’t know how turbulent finding myself would be. It meant that I had to shift through all the bullshit that was blocking my intuition. It meant I had to be honest, and accept every element of myself and my history. I’m remembering dreams I’d forgotten, emotions I never dealt with and a state of being in which I was born to be.
I didn’t know what that state of being was until began working on a project that is demanding every ounce of reserves I have left in me. I thought I didn’t have much to start with but so much is pouring out of me, and just when I feel like I’ve gotten it all out, more flows and crashes against my mental stability.
It was nerve-wracking, diving into the rabbit holes of my consciousness. I didn’t know if I was ready to face the rawest, darkest parts of myself. Have you every felt as though you were exposing yourself, to yourself? And what you’ve come to see is enough to question your own reasoning, your own perception? It’s like strategically operating through a midst of mania. Yes, I say mania because I want you to know how senseless it would still all seem to me without the platform of poetry.
but this mental instability, it seems required because none of my academic awareness or logical reasoning can comprehensively explain what happens when I translate bits of my being into formulated stanzas. It’s not just my mind and hands at play here
and this intensity that reverberates within me, it drives me the longer and harder I cultivate it, elevating me towards heights within myself I couldn’t get to when I was stuck in an egotistical limbo.
it’s why I’m okay with being a little unsettled. I was too solid and stubborn before. To be open for everything, you have to be prepared to feel anything. Inspiration, love, wisdom, the truth, they’re supposed to break barriers and make you a little uncomfortable. It’d be difficult to pinpoint where we need improvement if it weren’t for emotions like pain, irritation, anger, sadness, resentment and others.
so far this project has taught me to respect the duality of my human nature. That, all of our emotions and senses, negative or positive, are meant to guide us through life, not to keep us from living a fulfilling one.
– B. Brown
(image: painting by Maxime Sabourin)