Expedition

This journey is unlike anything I could’ve imagined ( good thing this whole thing isn’t my daydream). Because I didn’t think I had it in me, this thing that everyone else saw in me. This thing that earned me the honor of teaching twenty-two blossoming minds.

I was only substituting for about a month and a half before this kindergarten class was tossed into my lap.

I’m considered a long-term substitute; these babies are mine for the rest of the year. I don’t have a teaching certification. My BA didn’t have anything to do with education. I didn’t even want this responsibility. But anyone who is a writer knows about the call to adventure, when the protagonist’s world turns upside down, random people start coming out of no where and the protagonists begins to learn things they wouldn’t have thought to ask about.

And it’s funny because when I prayed, all I asked for was a little push in the right direction. I want to teach college level one day and all I wanted was to be shown the way…

And I think I’ve hit that first conflict. I haven’t been able to write or read or do anything like that for me. I wasn’t able to finish the first draft of my novel for Nanowrimo and I’m only six chapters away. Honestly, I’m crying on the inside, trying to figure out what’s going to come next because I know where my heart really lies; it’s in my writing.

I don’t know where I’m going with this – with this career shift or this blog post. I guess this is me just trying to figure it out, coming to terms with what I’ve asked for.

It just feels strange, knowing that I was heard.

And answered so swiftly.

What does this mean?

– B. Brown

(art by Randall David Tipton: Logjam)

Where is the Balance?

when I have to convince myself
that maybe you too
could have a penny for me
a coppery cent to fund
my stimulation organization

that you’ll help me grow
keep my vines thriving
bearing fruit from our labor
oh, I can just taste it now
a candied poison berry flavor

but I have to hope and pray steadfastly
that you’ll come through for me
through the ache, my anger
to wager through to me to love me

and I have to demand
that you see me clearly
wash your hands
before you handle me
understand
that you’re becoming part of me
for you to know
I’m not taking you lightly

when I have to plead for you
to forgive me
for simply acting on my tailored beliefs
for splitting myself to drip heavily, feeding
where is the balance
if you won’t feel for me?

– B. Brown

(art courtesy of Pinterest)

Memory

your skin was liquid amber
to one day encase my existence
to preserve my essence
to show the world
I once breathed air

– B. Brown

(image courtesy of Pinterest. Protofeather fossils discovered entombed in amber from the Late Cretaceous era)

Double Slit

I had quantum fever this evening and watched a video about the Double Slit Experiment. Long story short, the ‘light-ripple’ experiment demonstrates the theory that all realities are possible until a destination is detected. If you want more juicy details, click this:

https://curiosity.com/topics/the-double-slit-experiment-cracked-reality-wide-open-curiosity/

Anyways, isn’t that cool? How do light particles ‘know’ what their destinations are? How does light ‘know’ where it ‘wants’ to go? Why does it seem to change it’s attitude, from particle-like to wave-like, depending on the obstacles and space around it?

Well, how do you know where you want to be? We have to switch our attitudes depending on where your going, who’s around and what you’re trying to do. We can’t stay in the same state if we’re trying to get to another time and space, one that’s more favorable.

The next time you find yourself afraid to switch forms or try another path, just remember, you’re cancelling out a lot of other possibilities. All realities exist all at once. It’s up to you to make happen what you want to happen.

– B. Brown

Pilgrimage

I didn’t know how turbulent finding myself would be. It meant that I had to shift through all the bullshit that was blocking my intuition. It meant I had to be honest, and accept every element of myself and my history. I’m remembering dreams I’d forgotten, emotions I never dealt with and a state of being in which I was born to be.

I didn’t know what that state of being was until began working on a project that is demanding every ounce of reserves I have left in me. I thought I didn’t have much to start with but so much is pouring out of me, and just when I feel like I’ve gotten it all out, more flows and crashes against my mental stability.

It was nerve-wracking, diving into the rabbit holes of my consciousness. I didn’t know if I was ready to face the rawest, darkest parts of myself. Have you every felt as though you were exposing yourself, to yourself? And what you’ve come to see is enough to question your own reasoning, your own perception? It’s like strategically operating through a midst of mania. Yes, I say mania because I want you to know how senseless it would still all seem to me without the platform of poetry.

but this mental instability, it seems required because none of my academic awareness or logical reasoning can comprehensively explain what happens when I translate bits of my being into formulated stanzas. It’s not just my mind and hands at play here

and this intensity that reverberates within me, it drives me the longer and harder I cultivate it, elevating me towards heights within myself I couldn’t get to when I was stuck in an egotistical limbo.

it’s why I’m okay with being a little unsettled. I was too solid and stubborn before. To be open for everything, you have to be prepared to feel anything. Inspiration, love, wisdom, the truth, they’re supposed to break barriers and make you a little uncomfortable. It’d be difficult to pinpoint where we need improvement if it weren’t for emotions like pain, irritation, anger, sadness, resentment and others.

so far this project has taught me to respect the duality of my human nature. That, all of our emotions and senses, negative or positive, are meant to guide us through life, not to keep us from living a fulfilling one.

– B. Brown

(image: painting by Maxime Sabourin)

Autumn

when she saunters in
relieving my skin
with winds swishing by
in annual equilibrium

when the trees ignite
in a cacophony of coloration,
releasing before meditation,
the fasting solstice

when the sky shivers
and gets it’s winter coat
thick and cottony
and the moon gloats

when the shine exhausts
and the shadows stir
to blanket nature
while she slumbers

– B. Brown

DailyPrompt: Cacophony

(image by Le Petit Royaume)